Contemplations on Me, Myself and I

Things I’m scared of (in no particular order):

Firstly, Stagnation... of intellectual and experiential capabilities and knowledge. I have found that such personal growth is the spice of life and life’s too short to not completely live it with the fullest of my capabilities. I want to remain a student for the rest of my life.

Secondly, My death. I'm not scared of dying, rather am somewhat interested in how I'll go (ohkay a little scared ngl!). But I'm more scared of what it will make my loved ones go through, especially my parents, who for as long as I’ve known them, have more or less lived their lives for their kids. But a weird small part of me also wishes that my loved ones should go through this pain so that they are able to emerge as stronger individuals from that crisis. Also so that they realise that they all are much much stronger than what they believe themselves to be. Salvation comes through nothing but suffering. I do wish that this could somehow happen without me dying though, if the reader understands what I mean.

Thirdly, Losing my idiosyncrasies, ie, the uniquenesses that make me, me; for which the society (read - people known to me) is trying so hard every single day, and trying to hammer me into becoming a part of the larger homogenised mass of which they themselves have become self-styled vanguards. Homogenisation of identities is the quickest way to losing the self and establishing a superfluous identity.

Fourthly, My measure of touching other people’s lives with a net-positive effect for them. Ohkay I’m not scared of this, but this troubles me every once in a while, especially related to one person in particular. So my motive generally remains to uplift people around me, even when (especially when) they don't believe in themselves. Hence the fact that I have not done this for everyone, or have put down some to raise myself up, is a bit unsettling.

(More ideas to come. Perhaps soon.)